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The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, Second Edition, by Alan Downs
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Product details
Paperback: 272 pages
Publisher: Da Capo Lifelong Books; Revised, Updated edition (June 5, 2012)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0738215678
ISBN-13: 978-0738215679
Product Dimensions:
5.5 x 0.8 x 8.2 inches
Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.6 out of 5 stars
363 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#8,862 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Psychologist Alan Downs` guide to authentic living for the gay male, ‘The Velvet Rage,` is a valuable self-help tool for gay men struggling to break free from a life of insecurity, self-loathing, and most of all, shame. Downs` central thesis, one he presents convincingly, is that gay men start off life far more emotionally crippled than most other people.Downs makes the argument that we gay men suffer the effects of a toxic self-image, one that stems from a pit of shame embedded deep inside. He argues we must systematically and assiduously destroy this cancer if we ever entertain the notion of maturing into emotionally healthy adults. This deep-seated and long-enduring sense of shame inhibits us from showing our most genuine feelings and from being our most authentic selves. As a result, we develop a set of theatrical tricks to hide our true selves, to shield us from any chance of honest emotional disclosure. In short, we become master dissemblers, actors, actresses adept at the art of giving others what they want to see and hear from us. All this comes at a horrible cost. Downs states, “…we must hide, presenting to the world a fabricated version of ourselves until the day that we are free to express our sexuality and step out of the closet of shame.†Downs explains in great detail how we ‘compensate for’ rather than ‘confront’ our shame. We become obsessed with out-performing others in our chosen professions, obsessed with physical beauty above all, and perhaps most dangerously, become obsessed with the thrill of seemingly endless sexual conquest.Our ‘velvet rage’ comes out when these compensating strategies begin to weaken and crack, leaking out ferocious and foul bouts of poisonous rage, often directed at innocents. Downs provides a lot of first-hand testimony from other gay men as to how these compensation tactics work and yet, ultimately fail. These quotes are oddly placed in sidebar boxes adjacent to the text body. For the most part, these testimonies do little to strengthen the psychological points Downs strives to make. Rather, they are too general and not always well-fitted to the topic at hand. Furthermore, Downs frequently repeats many of his points throughout the first three-quarters of the book.Downs` shame thesis could have been delineated in a more engaging and meaningful way had he examined the roots of our toxic shame. Does it stem from feeling ‘different’ at an early age? Is it the fear of not fitting in? Is it internalized homophobia or fear of sex with men? Or perhaps is it the fear of being emotionally and physically vulnerable with another man that drives this shame? Or maybe it stems from all of these factors combined? Sadly, Downs never really analyzes this question to any great depth. His book could have been even more helpful and empowering had he done so. Finally, most of Downs` clients share experiences from relatively ‘problem-free’ coming out processes. Those who have struggled with both internal and external self-acceptance might not connect with the experiences presented here.These criticism`s aside, ‘The Velvet Rage’ finishes on a strong note. In fact, the last quarter of the book is the best part, worth the other three- quarters combined. Additions to the second edition, these ‘Skills for Living an Authentic Life’ impart some valuable life wisdom to the reader. Downs shares from his accumulated years’ worth of psycho-therapeutic experience for all to learn from. Each skill is succinctly presented in a short paragraph and then explained in greater detail. Even the titles themselves sound off as tiny snippets of healing help, “Inner peace above all else,` ‘Contentment over approval,’ ‘Accept reality on reality`s terms,` ‘Walk your way out of distress,` ‘Embrace ambivalence,’ ‘Default to forgiveness,’ are all just some of the practical, life-changing tips Downs gifts his readers. While gay men especially need to ‘do and live’ these lessons, anybody, straight or gay, could profit immensely from their common sense wisdom.While “The Velvet Rage’ is not quite the gay bible to life, it does go a long way in helping us understand why we are the way we are. Most importantly, it sheds light on why we ‘behave’ the way we do. Combined with his practical skills section, ‘The Velvet Rage’ is helpful therapy for the gay male. Understanding is the first step towards full self-acceptance and Dr. Alan Downs has done much to help us recognize the face in the mirror.
I agree with the review written by MJ (4 Stars - "Important but flawed" - August 30, 2014), and the fact that 40/40 people (as of the day I'm writing this) have found his review helpful says a lot.MJ's point that almost all the vignettes in the book involve "power gays" is spot on. I am a gay man who loves hard rock and punk music; knows little about fashion or interior design; is not well-traveled; does not hobnob with the gay social elite; has avoided relationships, rather than been promiscuous or hooked on one relationship after another; and who does not work out religiously or have a fit body.I initially reacted to this focus on a select group of gay men by thinking indignantly to myself, "Well this book doesn't apply to me!" Fortunately, I stopped myself with "Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater", and "Maybe you also don't like looking at how hurt and sad and angry you feel?"Pulling myself up short like that helped because I was then able to glean many gems found throughout this book's pages (or on the Audiobook). I not only learned a lot about myself from the book, also learned how to overcome shame and live a more fulfilling life.Two 'truths' that I garnered, which have helped me immensely are:1) Shame-driven motivations have ruled my life, especially:> behaviors designed to numb out pain, e.g., alcohol and other drugs; compulsive sex; avoidance & isolation; and> behaviors driven by a desire for validation, e.g., compulsive work, people-pleasing, and wearing a mask--trying to be who I think someone wants me to be.2) In order to heal shame-based wounds; live with integrity and authenticity; and become the man I want to be, I must not only gain insight into the origins of shame and its impact on my choices and behavior, I must learn and practice *specific skills* designed to break the dysfunctional patterns, and replace them with new ways of perceiving, thinking, and acting. As a result of learning and practicing these skills, I am gradually experiencing more joy, contentment, and inner peace.I gave this book 5 Stars because, although flawed with regard to the narrow range of gay men discussed in the text, everything else in The Velvet Truth rang true, and has given me a pathway + a guidebook to live fully and thrive.
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